It's Never Too Late to Start Over

It has been quite some time since I have written a blog, or anything for that matter. I have been consumed with the new life I have built for myself here in Florida. It's been a year and I finally feel ready to begin, again.

To me, being real means being relatable. I've never been afraid to lay my life bare, if it meant helping someone else feel less alone in their own struggles. I became the person I once needed when I was hurting. I used my platform to reach the quiet ones—the people i the background silently battling darkness their entire lives. The ones who never comment, never like, never engage, but are still watching. Time and time again, I’ve realized they are out there, and they need me to keep sharing… to keep telling my truth.

I’ve experienced many lows in my life. Some were completely out of my control. I wasn’t dealt the best hand, but I did the best I could with what I was given. And despite everything, I remain deeply grateful—for the ways it could have been worse, and for the grace I’ve been shown throughout my pain and trauma.

But there were also many lows that came from my own choices. I think one of the hardest parts about healing and growing beyond your trauma is reaching the point where you have to take responsibility for yourself and choose differently. After all, insanity is repeating the same patterns over and over while expecting a different outcome.

For years, I told myself that no one was coming to save me. But I was wrong. Jesus already came to save us, and for the longest time, I turned my back on Him. People who preached faith irritated me. Their trust in God made me cringe because I had become so bitter after years of pain. I was raised in a Christian home—there was even a time when my mother and I went to church seven days a week. And maybe that’s part of why my heart became so hardened. I couldn’t understand how someone could serve Him so faithfully and still end up so broken.

So, I ran. I ran from my childhood. I ran from the cross. But Jesus never ran from me. He stayed with me when I cursed His name. He stayed when I chose people and worldly things over Him again and again. He was there through every heartbreak, every collapse, every moment I shattered.

I have been in depth of hell depression. I am talking like fantasizing about my funeral depressed. I wrote an entire book of poetry at the age of 14 focused on death and my worthlessness. I never had any kind of self-esteem and was always seeking validation from the wrong people in the wrong places.

I remember being in 9th grade when we had to choose a song and present how it reflected who we were as a person. My choice was Right Here Waiting by Staind. Looking back now—wow. I was desperately waiting for someone to love me… anyone, really. And that longing shaped the way I lived my life for years—right up until last year.

I left Waverly without telling anyone. “Mysteriously,” people said. There was speculation, gossip, endless chatter—but I shut everything off. I shut everyone out and got the hell out of there because things had gone from bad to worse, and I couldn’t see a way forward. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. The only option I felt I had—and still stand by to this day—was to leave. So that’s exactly what I did.

I told only four people. One was my father—my diligent father, who has stood beside me through hell and back more times than I can count. The other was someone I knew I could trust - a friend on the “inside". I was behind on work for his comedy club, and I felt he deserved an explanation because, in many ways, he had been one of the few sources of light during the last year of misery in that place. Lastly but surely not least dear friends who I had leaned on who had been watching me collapse and offered a helping hand. I remember being at their house for the Super Bowl and just unloading everything that had been going on. I remember saying: " I feel like I need to rent a U-Haul tomorrow - pack everything and drive to Florida tomorrow. That's extreme right? That's crazy right?" They said: " Brittany that is extreme but that is exactly what you need to do." That is all the validation I needed.

The December before that, I made the painful decision to send Bria to live with her father in Florida, knowing two things: first, that I was not okay, and second, that the only way I was ever going to escape the toxic environment that was slowly destroying me was to get her out first. I knew that if she was safe, I wouldn’t be far behind. She is my purpose—the most important thing in my life. And at that point, I knew I wasn’t being the mother she deserved. I needed to get myself together and make a plan without dragging her deeper into the chaos with me.

I was terrified. I was completely alone. No one had any idea how bad it was, and the ones who did ignored it. I remember one night lying on the floor of my office, sobbing uncontrollably, shaking, consumed by absolute hysteria. Deep down, I knew it wouldn’t be long before they broke me beyond repair. I kept convincing myself things would get better—that it was only a rough patch—but it never got better. It only got worse. And there is only so much one person can endure before they finally break.

I had spent the last four years of my life building someone up who, if they had found me with a gun to my head, would have pulled the trigger and mourned my death only for the attention it brought them. Eventually, reality set in. The endless hours of work, the lack of appreciation, the every kind of abuse you can think of—it had all reached a breaking point, and I could no longer live inside the delusion I had created. It was time to call things what they were: a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a snake in the garden.

I remember every red flag I ignored. I remember the feeling deep inside me that these people were bad news. I felt it in my soul the moment I was introduced to them, but I pushed it aside. After decades of my intuition never failing me, I chose to ignore it because I had been sold a dream, and I clung to it with everything I had. Eventually, that dream became my worst nightmare.

That feeling wasn’t just intuition or some passing voice in my head—it was the Holy Spirit warning me about what would happen if I chose to befriend the devil. Like Eve in the garden reaching for the forbidden fruit, it’s a story as old as time.

The masks they wore so tightly framed around their faces began to slip and all I could see is what they really were.

Patterns began to emerge, and memories came flooding back—things they said, things they did, the way they behaved, and all the excuses I created in my own mind to avoid facing the grim truth. I unraveled. All it took was one final phone call with a friend—someone offering an outside perspective that finally brought everything into focus.

That was the moment it all clicked. I was disgusted, mostly with myself, for allowing it to happen. Disgusted that I had placed someone on a pedestal higher than God Himself. But most of all, I was sickened by the fact that I had promoted them, built connections for them, and helped grow their businesses while neglecting my own until it slowly faded away.

I want to make one thing very clear: I had absolutely no idea how bad it truly was. I didn’t know they were abusing other people. Naively, I convinced myself it was only happening to me - and that somehow - I deserved it.

A few weeks ago, my inbox was flooded with messages from people sharing their own experiences and what had been done to them. It shattered me. My heart aches knowing the extent of the damage. If I had known how deeply evil, they truly were, I would have done more. I would have left sooner. I would have tried to protect more people.

I had no idea there was an entire trail of victims. I had no idea how far their manipulation and abuse reached. All I knew at the time was that I needed to leave. And honestly, if I hadn’t left when I did, I truly believe I would have died.

Today I have been free for a little over a year. I have rebuilt a life I am truly proud of and enjoy living. It surely hasn't been a walk in the park. I did not do it alone, but with the help of my heavenly and earthly fathers.

I work at a beach bar and grill as a manager. I got promoted last August and then again in October. I get to see the beautiful emerald waters every day. I struggle with enjoying my job and knowing there is something more out there for me. My schedule fluctuates which prevents me from creating a stable routine. I struggle to get into a good groove with anything. One week I have opening shifts...the next I am scheduled to close. I got excited that I had all opening shifts this week and then yesterday I was hit with a schedule change and now I am the closing manager until further notice. It's frustrating to create a life outside of work, but I am doing my very best. I am actively looking for a job with better hours but around here, this is all there is. I am grateful for the income, and I know God has a plan. He has kept me here for a reason. I would love a remote position where I can help others. I am looking into life coaching certifications and creating a program to help women overcome their obstacles - whatever they may be.

I have Bria 50% of the time. When I don't have her, I am either at work or home. My apartment is small but cozy. I don't have any friends here other than those who I work alongside of and Jesus. It can be incredibly lonely at times, but when I get down, I remember how far I have come in such a short time. The people closest to me at home either hurt me badly or watched me be hurt badly and did nothing about it. I suppose it's better to be alone than to be surrounded by people who truly don't give a flying fart about me.

There are moments where I cry for what I have lost despite of what I have gained. I truly loved my home in Waverly. I loved Bria's school. I loved a lot of things about my job aside from who I was employed by. I miss developing brands, designing menus, creating content for social media and planning banging parties for the community. I am still working through that. At times I feel as though I still have the wind knocked out of me and my purpose has been lost. I know that is furthest from the truth. God has been so good to me. I know he has great plans for my life; I am just unsure of what they look like. He is in control.

Bria is the most resilient and outstanding ray of sunshine. She brings me so much joy. She has transitioned so well. She graduates from Pre-K in May and will be going to kindergarten in the fall. She has grown so much and continues to amaze me every day. She loves Jesus and asks most everyone we run into if they know Jesus. It makes my heart soar.

Brutus is turning 10 this year. He’s slowing down a little, but he’s still in good health. He still snores like a freight train, eats like he hasn’t been fed in a month, and slobbers on absolutely everything.

We’ve also added a new member to our little family: Meow Meow, a fluffy tuxedo kitty who completely stole my heart. I never imagined myself as a cat person, but this little fluff nugget has brought me so much joy and comfort. Honestly, she’s been more therapeutic for me than any therapist ever has.

Brutus has grown attached to her too. They sleep together, eat together, and even go on family walks with me. The other night, Brutus had already eaten dinner, gone outside, and we were all settled into bed when he suddenly got up and started whining nonstop. Reluctantly, I got out of bed thinking maybe he needed to go outside again. I grabbed his leash, opened the door, and there was Meow Meow waiting outside. She ran straight into the house. It honestly felt like he knew she was out there and wanted to make sure she came inside to go to bed with us.

The most valuable things I have learned over the last year are as follows:

1. When you surrender to God he takes control. He meets you where you are at and will take you where you need to go.

2. Being alone is better than being surrounded by the wrong, selfish people.

3. Vengeance is the Lord's and his alone. We do not need to seek revenge, rotten fruit falls on its own.

4. True forgiveness requires your SINCERE prayers for those who have wronged you. Loving like Jesus means, loving judas.

5. The only person you ever owe an explanation to is God.

6. Your new life will cost you your old one, and it hurts a lot.

If I can offer advice to anyone who is doubting themselves or their ability to drastically change their lives, lean on Jesus. He will guide you in the way you should go. You are never too far gone. You are never stuck. There IS always hope, in Jesus.

Until next time,

Britt